Have you ever felt surrounded by so many people but still surrounded by so much loneliness?
I have officially finished my first year of college! As I have already been home for a week, so many people continued to ask me: "How does it feel to be home?", I immediately respond with a quick answer to end the conversation with a fast reply of, "good".
I have attached a picture to this blog post of me and my sweet gals Nicole and Emily! And behind the camera are my rad pals Kyle and Mitch. This night was one of my favorite memories of my freshmen year, as all five of us watched the beautiful sunset and then for a couple of hours I got my girl time with these two cuties. As we laughed, told stories, and ate lots of food I caught myself looking around realizing how much I was going to miss everyone. The things is... all four of these people live pretty far away from me and I knew that a piece of my heart was going to be taken with them as well as my other friends as they all went back home. All of the friends I have made through college have become my family. So when asked now, "How does it feel to be home?" I suddenly feel absence and want to claim, "I moved out from my home".
Now please don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family and LOVE being able to spend the summer with them making memories! However, I have recently been feeling lonely. I know this is going to sound absolutely insane, but believe it or not college changes you! WHATTT???? I know I just blew your mind! But it does. Truth is I am not the same Sam now then I was when I first moved into my freshmen dorm. First off, I decided to cut my hair twelve inches, then I switched majors, and have done lots and lots of retail therapy which has changed my wardrobe a lot!
The crazy thing is... loneliness is not the state of actually being alone or not having anyone. You can feel lonely and still be surrounded with a lot of people. The pungent feeling of loneliness arrives with the sense of superficial relationships versus deep connections. I am different, my high school friends are different, and my siblings are even different. It is amazing how much of a change we can all go through in a matter of a year. Recently I have been battling with the thoughts that no one knows me anymore here. My close friends who I have grown deep connections with at college are now gone. They know this new Sam. But the people here do not yet.
April 24th, 2019: Move out day, was one of the hardest days as I had to say goodbye to my home and family. Crying was a very prevalent state I was in throughout the duration of the day. As I arrived back home, I immediately was covered in sadness and felt alone. Have you ever been there? Have you ever felt surrounded by people who love and care about you, but you feel like they don't know you at all anymore? This has continued to be an ongoing battle for me. My family is learning and witnessing the new Sam now, but it's been a journey. I often times find myself scrolling through old photos, or dwelling on the awesome memories I made, or texting my friends who are now states away. I have gotten frustrated and flustered as I am trying to express myself in certain ways but my family doesn't get it. I have even caught myself saying, "I can't wait to move back to GCU". I am filled in despair because I feel so engulfed in loneliness I don't know what to do for four months. Until I hit my bible time one day and was reminded on the overflowing love of God.
The most insane thing is... that God was with me 24/7. He too witnessed, my transformation over the year. He too has a deep connection with me. How is it that I allowed my loneliness to devour me when I have a loving Father who has been with me every step of the way?
Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations”
Jeremiah was a prophet in the Old Testament and battled with rejection and loneliness a lot throughout his life time. In fact he was known as the weeping prophet. God even forbid him to have a wife and children (talk about being alone). However, God never left His side, and in fact reminded Jeremiah that He knew him better then anyone else and knew him before anyone on earth did. Throughout the life of Jeremiah it was shown that he took his ridiculed nature and turned it into spiritual faith and strength.
God never leaves our sides either and can flip our sense of loneliness to a sense of belonging towards His kingdom and plan for our lives. Here's the thing, once you make your relationship with God a priority, He is able to fill that void in your heart with his overwhelming love. God has always been there, and always will be there. At the end of the day, you can feel surrounded by a bunch of superficial friendships but the deepest one you will always be there and by the way loves hanging out with you and hear you talk, which is awesome news for me because if you know me; you know I LOVE to talk.
Pour into your relationship with God. Once you focus on that relationship you will soon see your loneliness and sadness fade away, I promise! Remember I am always here if you need me! I am imperfect and am still trying to practice what I preach. Let's let God in together! :) <3
Comments